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Dogmeat continued pairs and repeat the ordeal against six other pairs the next day. To qualify for the knockout matches for the big money, we had to win six of our first 12 matches. Ha-ha. ?╟úNow, don?╟╓t worry, Ray,?╟Ñ I said. ?╟úYou?╟╓ll shuffle just fine.?╟╓?╟╓ ' ?╟úAnd you?╟╓ll score just fine,?╟Ñ he said. ?╟úThe only thing I ask is that you prom- ise not to cry.?╟Ñ v ?╟úI can?╟╓t promise,?╟Ñ I said. We arrived at our assigned table in a card room approximately two miles long, and there were our opponents, two middle-aged, white-haired men wearing white, short-sleeved shirts and the ex- pressions of zombies-?╟÷highly intelligent zombies. They looked like they had just walked out of a poker room in a James Bond movie. They extended limp hands by way of introduction, looked at our nude deviation sheet, showed us their frightfully complex one and handed Ray a new deck of cards to shuffle. My heart began pounding. Ray turned to one of the opponents. ?╟úWouldn?╟╓t you like to shuffle??╟Ñ he said, offering the cards. ?╟úNo,?╟Ñ the man said without looking up. The first time Ray brought the two halves together to shuffle they didn?╟╓t quite touch, and he achieved nothing. Then the whole deck squirted up in the air in a perfect two-and-a-half with a full twist in the layout position, but with his shaking hands Ray somehow caught everything oh the way down. He gave the cards a couple of riffles and they merged! He had shuffled! Let people say what they want, for my money Ray Cave never stood so tall. I saw the opponents give each other a quick look that seemed to signify some- thing or other, but I couldn?╟╓t figure out what. Ray won the cut for deal and opened the bidding with one tremulous heart, but the opposition won the auction with a bid of three diamonds. Hardly had play begun when I accidentally dropped a card on the table. ?╟úThat?╟╓s an exposed card!?╟Ñ one of the white-haired men an- nounced. I certainly didn?╟╓t think it was an original Velazquez, but he shook me with his pouncing attitude, and I said stupidly, ?╟úOh, is it??╟Ñ " A few leads later, after Cave had failed to show up with certain high cards, the declarer sniffed the air as though some- thing smelled, placed his hand on the table face down, fixed Cave with a steely look and said, ?╟úDo you bid psychs??╟Ñ (A psychic bid, or psych, is any utterly meaningless bid completely unjustified by the cards you hold, and if you make such crazy bids, which we didn?╟╓t, you must announce your habit to the oppo- nents in advance, which we hadn?╟╓t.) ?╟úNo,?╟Ñ Cave said. ?╟úWell, sir,?╟Ñ the opponent said, scaring me half to death, because I knew that the only time bridge players call you sir is when you?╟╓re in trouble, ?╟úyou certain- ly bid a psych this time!?╟Ñ ?╟úI did??╟Ñ said Cave, turning a coward- ly ashen. ?╟úYes, you did!?╟Ñ the man said hotly. He played out the hand, went down one and shouted, ?╟úDirector!?╟Ñ This was the nightmare we had dreaded the most, and here it was happening on our first hand. The man was going to lodge an official complaint. One of the directors, a Sol- omonesque little man, listened to our opponent?╟╓s argument in toto, and then said softly, ?╟úWell, thank you. I?╟╓ll make a note of it, and if you have any more problems, call me.?╟Ñ To Cave and me it sounded like: ?╟úWell, we?╟╓ll let these card cheats get away with it this time, but if they try anything again we?╟╓ll throw ?╟╓em out!?╟Ñ If our team had the trembles before the match started, now we had locomo- tor ataxia, Bell?╟╓s palsy and Saint Vitus?╟╓s dance combined. A few hands after the director was called, we held enough cards for a laydown small slam in hearts, but we were too shaken to bid it. Ray mis- dealt twice, I gave up trying to keep score and asked Ray to do it, the oppo- nents bid and made a slam, and the ball game was over. The little judge wandered over to us and said, ?╟úI see they scared you out of it.?╟Ñ He explained that Ray?╟╓s opening bid of one heart on a holding of 4 x y K J 10 x X x 4 Q 4 Q j 10 x x had not been a very good bid, ?╟úbut un- der no circumstances could it be con- sidered a psychic bid or unethical.?╟Ñ Did he mean .. ?╟úSure. They were just trying to make a fuss, to rattle you. They had no busi- ness calling the director on a bid like that.?╟Ñ Alfred Sheinwold joined the discus- sion. ?╟úWell,?╟Ñ he said, after studying Ray?╟╓s hand, ?╟úwhat you made was a gulpic bid?╟÷the kind of bid that you make and then gulp. But it could never be taken as a psych. They were trying to bug you.?╟Ñ They had succeeded. I hurried to my room to get a tran- quilizer, and couldn?╟╓t find any. My wife had hidden them. I raced back for our second match. ?╟úNice day, sir,?╟Ñ a friendly receptionist said as I dashed by. ?╟úFine, thank you,?╟Ñ I answered. Ray grabbed me before I sat down. ?╟úNow, listen,?╟Ñ he said in the avuncular manner he sometimes affects. ?╟úJust for- get all about that last match. We foK lowed suit, didn?╟╓t we??╟Ñv ?╟úMostly,?╟Ñ I said. ?╟úAnd we didn?╟╓t do anything wrong, did we??╟Ñ ?╟úNo. But they said we did.?╟Ñ ?╟úWell, never mind. Just settle down and have fun.?╟Ñ His voice sounded on edge. ?╟ú Just have fun!?╟Ñ he commanded. We wobbled over to the table and shook hands with two of the most non- descript-looking opponents you ever laid eyes on. I didn?╟╓t get their names, but I could tell instantly that they were a long way from the genius level. One of them wore a sort of hangdog look, a la Buster Keaton, but he did manage an occasional forced friendly smile, like a puppy at the vet?╟╓s. The other had longish hair, curling at the back, like a 17th century professor of philology at Heidel- berg. He, too, seemed to be going out of his way to act pleasant. Buster Keaton began a long explanation of their ?╟úde- viations.?╟Ñ Neither Cave nor I could fol- low him, although we kept nodding our heads in frantic agreement. When Bus- ter was finished, the professor chimed in with something about the ?╟úAstro?╟Ñ con- vention. ?╟úOf course,?╟Ñ he said, ?╟úwe play Roth-Stone, and our club bids tend to be forcing and artificial.?╟Ñ This gave me the terrible temptation to say, ?╟úOurs tend to be stupid and inaccurate,?╟Ñ but I restrained myself. We were off. At the beginning Cave and I picked continued 10 6