Script for television pilot, This Must Be the Place by Hank Henry and Bill Willard, 1950s

THIS M UST B E T HE P LACE Conceived and Writte n by Hank Henr y and Bi l l Willard * t PREFACE The sit uation comedy series "This Must B e Th e Place" is conceived to evoke the spi r i t of fun and laughs springing out of conf lict and understanding between the old comedy school and the new school . A gr oup o f former b igtimers in vaudeville, burlesque and musical comedy be come stranded in thei r later years, winding up performing in a theatre owned by a p ol i t ician and devote e of thei r early years and triumphs. He o ffers his theatre not only as a refuge for thei r talents, but opens up dressing rooms, boxes and every bi t of space for thei r 1iving quarters. His son, a disk jockey on a rock 'n' rol l stat ion, is an e rst?while comedian w ith a group o f youngsters who wor k al l the way from solo standup to group comedy such a t "The Committee", "Ace Trucking Company" or "The Se cond C ity". They hav e developed t hei r work on radio, restyling the news, inserting sketches and hav e ventured away from the microphones from time to time for l ive encounters with audiences. The group o f old performers and the tyros meet on co mmon b attle ground, the theatre, and here the explosions and the relat ively calm situations meld. Experimental theatre is tried, including multi-media, and a l l the gimmicks alongside the schtick of time-tested bi ts, sketches and bl ackouts. Within the framework of the show, al l manner o f talent may be brought forward. And t o stay within a frame of historical reference, each seg ment has as i ts prologue a famous sketch from burlesque, vaudeville or musical comedy. (CONTINUED) 0 The show's t i t le "This Must Be Th e Place" is appropriate for many reasons, not the least being a legitimate nostalgic tie to the heyday o f burlesque and oth er theatre. In the years of vaudeville ci rcui ts and burlesque wheels, the expression w as commonly use d w hen scenery fro a particular sketch was n ot available due to cost or delay of delivery. For examp le, a scene to take place in a Pa risian sidewalk cafe would have ap propriate dialogue to explain the location, place, incident or time, usually delivered in dialogue in one, or in front of the house curtain, where a table and c hairs had bee n pushed through. The S traight man wou ld say to the comic: "Well, here w e are in Paris. Paris, the beautiful, Paris in the spring. How d o you l ike the place? Comic: So this is Paris? It 's pretty shabby for Pairs. Straight: I say i t 's Paris. Co mi c: Well, if you say i t's Paris, this must be the place. In later years, burlesque comics would m ake raunchy plays of the phrase and turn i t into double-entendre mean ing. I t became a laugh ing stock l ine for vaudeville as well as burlesque. But in the ear lier years the phrase provok ed la ughter because o f the ridiculous surroundings and the way the comic delivered the l ine. I t would be the same for an Arabian palace, south sea island, anywhere i n the world where, after the straight man elaborate d on th e beauty and charm of the setting, the comic's punch l ine expressing h is wry view of nothingness brought laughs. The audie nce wen t r ight along wi th the comic, i t also saw wh at wasn't there. (CONTINUED) 3. The olde r showpeople i n "This Must Be Th e Place" are remnants o f a b eautiful, lost art , an a rt that played every c i ty, vi llage, whistle and tank stop in our nation. They ca me on following the old minstrel show per iod in what were called "Tab Sh ows". The acts performed i n any h al l or even on the back of a truck or haywagon. Pretty ladies, painted and perfu med and funny, wild-frocked gentlemen p ut on s i l ly antics, sometimes s el ling medicine, which i n the course of progress became kn own as Medicine Shows. As theatres sprang up acro ss the country, the art of burlesque wa s created as a suppl ement t o the melodrama, often played by the same troupe. In our scr ipt we sh ow th e last of the dying species, a group o f beleaguered actors and "women o f the theatre" who refuse to give up. Reliving the halcyon days o f ear lier experiences, thei r only hope is to exist and maintain the only trade they know. They ha d l ived wel l , al l hoping to be discovered as some o f thei r contemporaries were - - Bert Lahr, Fanny B rice, James Barton and so on. They hav e the same s tyle, free and easy ma nners as of old, but do not offend audiences with four let ter words, ugly sketches or nudity. In order to keep up w ith the times, they are a bi t salty or risque, using the old genteel expression, but never distasteful. Supplementing t his fine old show bre ed are the youngsters starting out in the business, who mu st face the frightening awareness of con?temporary audiences w ithout the cushion of experience or past triumphs to keep them going. Al l in al l , "This Must Be T he Pla ce" is a vehicle for laughs and a chance to unveil some o f the great comedians and performers of al l ages and st yles in a context other than the repetitive variety or talk (CONTINUED) show formats. The com edians and perform ers of tomorrow w i l l augment the o ldsters in what should be come a boon t o television and sh ow busines s in general, introducing different faces and ne w si tuations. This show m ay be one answer to the spate o f violence shows, the same o ld cops and robbers penny dreadfuls, horror f ilms, ethnic sitcoms with al l the wrung-out jokes about races and the disturbing simi lar ity of many sh ows to others. The authors carry no oth er messages in this show but laughs for laughter's sake. Welcome a fresh idea. Welcome -- "This Must Be the Place." (CONTINUED) 5. "THIS M UST B E T HE P LACE" CAST BENNY FIN E: From the old school of burlesque and music al comedy, he dress es in frayed frock coat, well-worn striped trousers, bow t ie, spats and accessories that smack of the heyday o f his past successes when h e played al l over the nation on th e ci rcui ts and "wheels." Benny often reminisces about the old days. He tries to be philo sophical about the rush of time and events. He kn ows everything of nothing in particular, a maste r of trivia. From N ew York, he maintains the dialect of jargon of the Lower East Side, where he w as born and brought up. BIXBY HI ND: One o f the original fan and bubble dancers from th e 30's who mimi cked Sally Rand, then latched onto her act with variations. She i s loud and domineering, dresses flamboyantly and i s constantly fighting a weight problem. Bixby, of al l the old troupe in the theatre, has stasched aw ay so me o f her earnings and inherited loot from a few hu sbands along the l ine. She i s now a divorcee-widow-plus. GAYE K ARKEN: A b uxom gal of around 5 0, nearly the same age as Bixby. She plays oldtime piano and upo n occasions gets booked by her old agent, Moe Riddlescheimer, who c ouldn't pronounce her Polish name and dubbed her Gaye Karken . Gaye thinks i t's a classy name. She i s jolly, the world to her is a b ig jel ly apple. She sings a mean chorus of any o f the oldies but goodies. The e ternal optimist, Gaye l ikes to insert her philosophy from time to time: "I t wi l l get bet ter, i t wi l l get bet ter." IRISH O 'DELL Typically Irish, he came t o America wh en a l i t t le boy. Although he speaks American lingo with no trace of Irish accent, he pours on the brogue wh en he knows i t does the most good. He m ay o r may n ot use i t in his act, when tossing lines around w ith Benny Fine or during his specialty of vaude days -- reci ting smarmy poems and dog gerel, singing a b i t and accompanying himself during verses and in terludes on c lar inet . He can be I rish as h el l , waving th e old green, but he hardly remembers the ould sod, actually, relying upon picture postcards and travelogues for his knowledge of Ireland. (CONTINUED) JOHN D AY: A po l it ician, ward-heeler, big man i n his district I and aroun d C ity Hall. Knows al l the heads of the ci ty and county government and can use h is influence for friends and for his many "projects". He i s a large, good look ing man, middle-aged, who ha s property, money and s t i l l shows warmth toward many people, part?icular ly those i n show busine ss: He ow ns the theatre in which the beleaguered a ctors work. He i s a wido wer and se ems to have eye s for Bixby Hind. JOEY D AY: John Day's so n, age 24. He i s a disk jockey and would be comic heading a group o f young gu ys and gals in a troupe, who do r adio, TV or l ive sketches in storefront theatres, regular theatres, parks, or wherever they can co mmand a ttention. Day ha s indoc?trinated his troupe into the roots of comedy according to the scriptures of burlesque and vaude, but in solo or as a group they have update d the bi ts, blackouts and sketche s and ha ve gon e i nto new fields of comedy using mod techniques. LIZZIE TISH: Captain of the "Cuddling Concubin es", six gals of rather hefty dimensions, wh o hav e seen be tter days and figures. She i s 40ish, plump and po ssesses a great sense o f humor, bu t acts in a manner n ot un?l ike the old Zazu Pi t ts. Her chief aim in l i fe is to give up sho wbiz and get married -- or something. Her make-up and th at worn by the other f ive "Cuddling Concubines" is very exaggerated. She has never bee n known t o dress conservatively: principal objective of her at ti re is a "sexy front" to grab male a ttention. GRUMPY: Disgruntled candy butcher, who s el ls peanuts and di rty postcards, does a l i tt le Shylocking on the side and takes bets etc. Although he 's a fast talker, he can't for the l i fe of him sel l a peanut, but finds a steady market for his bottles of muscatel wine. OTHER C HARACTERS IN CLUDE T HE D RUNKS W HO F REQUENT T HE T HEATRE, SOME O F THEM SHOWING A O NETIME A FFLUENCE, OTHERS S HOWING LITTLE O R NOTHING A T ALL EXCEPT A D ESIRE T O HECKLE T HE A CTORS A ND T O G ET B OMBED ON W INE. (CONTINUED) 7. "THIS M UST B E T HE P LACE" 1. LONG SHOT - INTERIOR O F T HEATRE, Theatre is one of the magnificent rel ics of the late 1920s, of Spanish Hollywo od architecture and design. On ei ther side of the proscenium are boxes protruding from the walls, ti le roofed and orna te with f i l igreed iron work. Walls are textured stucco, painted white, now faded and sp lotchy. Seats of the theatre are faded ma roon in a mat erial that resembles corduroy. Theatre w as bui l t to house vaudeville and t ouring shows, dramas, musicals, and i s ful l in width of 48 f eet, 28 f eet high and depth of 75 feet. Later on, when t alkies superceded vaude, a screen was hung, but now the screen is up in the fl ies, there are regular side wings and back drop of a s treet scene at beginning of action There is a runw ay C. and t o the r ight of the runway, facing stage, is an old upright piano and p ianist . Scattered about the theatre in attitudes of slouch and sprawl are 20 m en watching the stage. Pianist, Gaye Karken, is pounding out "In My Merry Oldsmobile". Her name i s on enu nciator, stage L. BENNY FI NE & IRISH 0' DELL walk on from R. dragging a beat-up prop o f an ol d car in prof ile with one door that opens. (NOTE: NO STUDIO A UDIENCE R ESPONSE O F L AUGH T RACK T HIS S EQUENCE) 2. MEDIUM SHOT - BENNY & IRIS H T RUNDLING IN P ROP, STOPPING C . IRISH He Ben ny, we b een cruisin' around f or an hour and we're runnin' out of gas. We got to f ind a pl ace to park the car. BENNY (facing front , burley style delivery) Let's hang arou nd for a while, Irish -- one more chance to pick up so me g i rls. Then we' l l park the car. (skulls R) And, talking of gi rls, here they come now . IRISH (af ter stage w ai t , reacts) That's the cue girls. TWO GIRLS of the "Cuddling Conc ubines" walk from R., pass the car, turn and face p art way toward Be nny & I rish. They a ct nonchalant, exaggerate gu m ch ewing big and foot-tapping. Both are dressed garishly, some cleavag e showing and s ki rts a b i t too short for such plu mp females. (CONTINUED) 8. 2. CONTINUED: IRISH j (to Benny) Two g i rls. How abou t that? Which on e do you like? BENNY (Gloms the gi rls) I ' l l take the gi rl in the middle. IRISH (skulIs) There a in' t no g i r l in the middle. BENNY That's what you think. (tr ies to yock up his joke, but gives up, knows he's bombing) Hey g i rls, would you l ike to take a r ide in the car? 1ST G IRL (doesn't look at Benny, faces out to audience) Veronica, would you l ike to take a ride in that car? 2ND G IRL (waving d isdainfully) Well, as long as w e hav e no thing else to do, I don't mind. IRISH (opens car door and g allantly bows for gi rls to enter) GIRLS (quickly enter car) 1ST G IRL Where are we going? IRISH Well, we we re lo oking for a pla ce to park the car unt i l we m et you lovely creatures. BENNY Wait a minu te, Irish. I want to f ind out -- gi rls, before we go any further we wa nt to know o ne th ing. Do you o r don't you, wi l l you o r won't you? GIRLS (in unison) Will we wh at? (CONTINUED) 9. 2. CONTINUED: IRISH Well, uh, ah, you know...uh... (Fumbling f or words) That i s, the price of gas, t ires and a l l that stuf f under the hood an d... 2ND G IRL (screams and reacts to goosing) Get your hand aw ay from there and s top fooling around. BENNY That ain' t my han d and I ain' t fool in' around. GIRLS open car door i n a h uf f, flounce out a couple of paces and stand i n front of car jouncing in anger. 1ST GI RL I 've never bee n so hummmmmi1iated i n my l ife. 2ND G IRL Well -- I never! IRISH Try it once i n a while, you' l l love i t . GIRLS ( in unison, talking and snapping f i ngers) Zis for you...(snap) Zat for you...(snap) And z iz for your papa. gi rls pick up ba cks of dresses, do a backward bu mp, posing with rears extended to Benny & I rish. BENNY (pointing to gi rls' rears) Hey Irish, we found a place to park the car! 3. GO BLACK 4. MEDIUM SHOT B ACKSTAGE - - BENNY & IRISH Both are dragging o f f prop c ar toward camera s tationed stage L. outside of wings. Curtain comes down wi th a ban k and piano music picks up "T his Must Be Th e P lace" theme. 5. CLOSE S HOT - - BENNY (CONTINUED) 10. 5. CONTINUED: BENNY (stopping and t laking to Irish) What a lousy audience. Not a yock in the whole b i t . . IRISH Yah - - losers, bums. Did you see those faces?? BENNY Yeah - - I 've seen be tter faces on iod ine bottles. 6. CLOSE T WO SHOT - - BENNY & IRISH reacting to shouts from men i n the audience off camera MEN (drunken shouts) Bring on the broads... We w ant the concubines... Where are the cuddly b roads... BENNY (reacts bi tterly to mens' shouting, gives put down gesture) Some sh ow busin ess this is! DISSOLVE T O: 7. LONG SHOT ? STREET S CENE outside theatre where John an d Joe y Day are picked out walking toward the theatre on the sidewalk. John is nodding and w aving to people in stores. One m an runs out. 8. MEDIUM SHOT - - MOVE B ACKWARDS F OR S TREET A CTION F OLLOWING WALKING P ROGRESS O F J OHN & J OEY D AY A ND MERCHANT BIZ - , (NOTE: STUDIO A UDIENCE R EACTION P ICKS U P H ERE) MERCHANT (wiping hands on white apron) John...Mr. Day -- did you take care of that matter for me do wn a t City Hall? JOHN (waving a t him, but not stopping) Don't worry, Mel, al l taken care of . MERCHANT (big grin) Thanks Mr. Day. Thanks. JOHN (over his shoulder). Just cal l me John, Mel. And d on't forget election day! (CONTINUED) 11. 8. PAN S HOT ? UP F ROM STREET T O T HEATRE M ARQUEE, WIDEN T O T AKE IN SIGN M ESSAGE Marquee sig n states, "Cuddling Concubines/Naughty but Nice/ & A l l Star Cast". Latter wordage very small. 9. MEDIUM C LOSE S HOT - - CASHIER'S C AGE B ENEATH MARQUEE gi r l inside is chewing gum, bored, turning over pages of "Playgir l" . Two m en co me up to cage ca rrying brown paper sacks hiding wind b ottles. They pus h i n money, girl takes it tears of f couple o f tickets from op en r oi l and gives them to the men wit hout taking her eyes from cen trefold of the mag. One m an reaches in, picks up t ickets, hands one to the other as they lurch away to go inside theatre as John & Joey Da y come t o box o f fice cage. (DURING C ONVERSATION IN TERCUT B ETWEEN J OHN, JOEY & CASHIER) JOHN How's business, Marge? Good ho use? MARGE (Quickly closing mag. and lo oking up) Oh, h i Mr. Day. The house i s good - - had i t fumigated yes terday, men's room and a l1. JOHN (grins) I mean, many customers? MARGE Oh yeah, hal f loaded and the rest of 'em are on t hei r way. JOHN A l i t t le better than y esterday, 1 hope . MARGE Wei 111, yes -- we had twenty-six yesterday. Now w e hav e thi rty-two. Who sa id there was a recession? JOEY (looking a l i t t le disgusted) This isn' t a theatre, i t 's a flophouse for drunks. JOHN (seriously) This theatre is a landmark, Joey. I t was my f irst piece of property in the neighborhood - - and I ' l l always remember.... (CONTINUED) JOEY (interrupting) Yeah, you told me a thousand times, you picked i t up tw enty-four years ago on the day I was born. JOHN Right, Such mem ories. So, why should I dump i t? Would be l i ke dumpinq m y own son. JOEY (gives John a fishy look) Aw, cut i t out, dad. You kee p i t 'cause i t's a damn go od tax wr ite-of f. JOHN That|s not al l , Joey, not al l , at al l , I t gives me a l i f t . And you kn ow my slogan -- every day's a hap py day w ith John Da y. JOEY (says nothing, but reacts with wry face) JOHN And t his "Cuddling Conc ubines" show i n there wi l l stay. These peop le are my friends. They're busted, but so wha t? JOEY (shrugging) Okay, okay, Mr. Angel of Showbiz. But, why d on't you put some educational movies in there along w ith your "Cuddly Co ncubines JOHN Like what k ind of movies? JOEY Well ? l ike what you got in your Parkway Theatre. Great f lick playing there now - - "Nudes i n the Zoo". JOHN Yeah, I saw i t . I'm sure you liked i t. JOEY (f1ippantly) Mmmm - depends on how you look at i t . Everybody loves animals. 13. 9. CONTINUED: JOHN I don't want to add on a mo vie wi th this stage show a t al l . I l ike your other suggestion much better. You kn ow - - the one we disc ussed the other day. JOEY I wonder ho w your friends inside wi l l go for my idea? JOHN There's only one wa y to find out. Let's go i n and h i t 'em wi th i t. 10. FOLLOW SHOT M EDIUM CLOSE ? JOHN & J OEY leaving cashier's cage, walking through door where t icket taker waves them in 11. MEDIUM C LOSE W ALKING S HOT - - FOLLOW BEHIND J OHN & J OEY IN TO T HEATRE as pair walks down_aisle, camera can take in, but not accent action on stage. They go halfway down a isle, sit down wi th John on a isle seat. 12. WIDE A NGLE - - INTERIOR O F T HEATRE Cuddling Con cubines are on and G aye Karken i s banging aw ay in accompanyment. Enunciator on stage R spells out "The Cuddling Concub ines". Audience ha s perked up a l i ttle with the l ine onstage, but some are st i l l sprawled i n seats. 13. MEDIUM SHOT ? CUDDLING C ONCUBINES dancing t o Karken's accomp. of "Beautiful Lady". At C., four steps lead up to another curtain. Concubines dance e ight bars of the tune up the steps, make p ointing stance to curtain, three on eac h side, fanning out. VOICE (over mike) And no w, ladies and gentlemen, our dazzling beauty...the star of our show - - BIXBY HI ND in her famous fan dance! There is a small smattering of applause 14. MEDIUM C LOSE S HOT ? BIXBY'S ENTRANCE T HROUGH C URTAIN as c urtain opens she poses with her fans with Concubines sti l l pointing and they do th e follow pointing biz as she des cends the stairs mincingly, switching fans provocatively moving dow nstage to runway (CONTINUED) 14. 14. CONTINUED: BIXBY (moves with exaggerated wal tz steps to "Beautiful Lady", back and forth on the runway switching her fans) 15. CLOSE S HOT - - BIXBY is wearing ful l high-necked le otard covering her. No matter how da zzling her fan work, nothing shows dazzling or undazzling. There is a frozen smile on her face as audience boos and hiss es. She re acts to the catcalls by s ticking out her tongue. As she dances and p irouettes, a few stu mbles are apparent, triggering bursts of laughter from the half-crocked audience. 16. MEDIUM SHOT P AN -- MEN IN A UDIENCE some r eacting to Bixby's dancing, others with complete i ndifference. 17. MEDIUM SHOT P AN ? TO G ENTLEMAN N EAR R UNWAY the rather aristocratic looking gentleman dressed in unmatched clothes, but with tweed jacket, leather elbow patch es that smacks o f onetime af fluence. He i s in a drunk en daz e w hile gazing ench anted a t Bixby. DISSOLVE T O: 18. CLOSE S HOT ? GENTLEMAN with shaky, y et debonair attitude stands up and add resses Bixby GENTLEMAN Dear, dear Bixb y, the years have m ade you only more b eautiful. BIXBY (smiles down a t gentleman, throws him a k iss) 19. MWSIUM SHOT ? BIXBY, G ENTLEMAN A ND D RUNK O PPOSITE R UNWAY DRUNK (rises, yel ling and wavin g hand s) Hey baby, take i t of f ! Show us what you a in' t got. drunk leans over runway, tries to grap Bi xby's leg. She sha kes him off , continues he r turns with fans movin g. (CONTINUED) 15. 19. CONTINUED: DRUNK (yelling louder) Come on, take i t off -- you a in' t got nothing to show. I saw be tter meat on a me at hook. BIXBY (reacts, scowling at drunk) If I get down there, I ' l l give you a l ef t hook. A rea l good le ft hook! DRUNK (with glee) Hey fellows, a no velty -- a l eft-handed hooke r! 20. CLOSE S HOT - - GENTLEMAN GENTLEMAN (faces audience and i n simulated English, upper-class diction addresses them) Gentlemen, you are watching a great artist. I have followed this wonderful lady's career for many years. (turns to Bixby with wave of hand) Miss Hind, f inish your dance. You are beautiful. 21. CLOSE S HOT ? DRUNK DRUNK (gives both the gentleman and Bixby a h efty raspberry) 22. MEDIUM SHOT ? RUNWAY A ND G ENERAL A REA Grumpy is meandering do wn the aisle, prowling, trying to sel l wares BIXBY (gestures l ike an umpi re) Hey Gr umpy -- throw that bum out! 23. CLOSE S HOT - GRUMPY GRUMPY Throw him out? I can't -- he's my best customer! (turns away, walking up a isle) 24. MEDIUM SHOT - - GRUMPY & G ENTLEMAN: CONTINUED) 16. 24. CONTINUED: GRUMPY All r ight folks -- ice cream, candy nuts, di rty pictures... ( in loud whisper) Muscatel, yesterday's vintage. GENTLEMAN (sti l l standing) Miss Hind, I drink to your beauty and cha rm. Grumpy, give me a b ot tle of your f inest . GRUMPY (s us picious) You got fi fty cents? GENTLEMAN (fishing in pocket, finding coin) Certainly. Here - - catch. (tosses coin to Grumpy) GRUMPY (catches coin, inspects i t , then tosses bot tle to gentleman) You catch. Grumpys1 tray has nuts, candy and "postcards on top, hinged l id disclosed bottles. Tosses b ottle over to Gentleman w ho i s not quite ready or steady for the catch. He fumbles, then drops bottle with loud crash. 25. CLOSE S HOT - - GENTLEMAN F UMBLING B OTTLE, CRASH A ND BREAKING B OTTLE DISSOLVE T O: 26. MEDIUM SHOT - - BACKSTAGE W INGS F ACING S TAGE Bixby comes into view C., turns and gestures a put down t o audience. BIXBY (shouting) You can a l l go to hel l . Drop the curtain. Bixby flounces toward ca mera as c urtain comes down w ith solid thud and "Beautiful Lady" piano chorus comes to a loud, clattery f inish. 27. DOLLY B ACK - - GROUP S HOT O FFSTAGE Bixby walks furiously into group consisting of Benny, Irish, Lizzie Tish and five Cuddling Con cubines. (CONTINUED) 17. 28. ZOOM SHOT ? ON BIXBY walking to her dressing room in a h uff as others tag along and ente r behind he r, last one, a Concubine, slamming door. Hpld on door with large red star with word "STAR" written on i t with fel t pen. 29. MEDIUM C LOSE S HOT - - BIXBY throwing fans down i n disgust, looking into mirror and primpi ng BIXBY Did you hear those bu ms o ut there? Humiliating my f igure. ..? (DURING C ONVERSATION I NTERCUT B ETWEEN B ENNY, IRISH. BIXBY, LIZZIE AND G AYE X arken WHO HAS J UST E NTERED) BENNY After al l , a Raquel Welch you 're not. BIXBY (furiously turns and faces group) So, you too? Ridicule me. Am I real ly overdeveloped? IRISH Don't hurt her feelings, Benny. She's l ike you say -- sof tig. (indicates plent iful curves with hands, especially Bixby's big tooshie) BENNY You kn ow what's wrong, Bixby? You need a change o f name. Why not change i t from Bixby to Bigby? LIZZIE (innocently) Hey, that's a great idea. Bigby Hind! (reflects a second) Ooooh, Bigby Hind ? That d on't sound so good. BIXBY (sorrowful 1y) I know you 're kidding me, bu t with good int entions. I 'm over the hi l l . (turns to mirror and exa mines image) 30. CLOSE T WO SHOT - - INTO M IRROR R EFLECTING B IXBY A ND B ENNY (CONTINUED) 18. 30. CONTINUED: BENNY (pointing to bosom) You a in' t got no h i l l , Bixby. You got mountains. 31. CLOSE S HOT ? IRISH IRISH And your valleys ain' t so s mall, either 32. MEDIUM S HOT - - GROUP GAYE I think you're big and wond erful, baby. Let's face i t -- you're well fed. Which reminds me, I 'd l ike a sand wich about now. BIXBY You're so hungry, why don't you run over to Hymie's Deli and get yourself a salami sandwich? GAYE I can't . Hymie's cut of f my c redi t . BIXBY Since when? GAYE Since he made up w ith his wife. IRISH Oh, I get i t now. I t was... (sings) "Love for sale, gimme a big, fat salami, Love for Sale..." GAYE (in a b it of a tizzy) You an d your big mouth, Irish. (draws herself up hau ghtily) I ' l l have you kn ow you 're talking to the inimitable Miss Gaye Karken ! BENNY Gaye Kar ken -- where the hel l did you ever get that name? 32. CLOSE S HOT - - GAYE GAYE My ag ent, Moe Riddles heimer couldn't pronounce m y r eal name - - Vladislava Voychakowski. That's Polish -- but please, no b um Polish jokes. (CONTINUED) 19. 34. MEDIUM CLOSE S HOT ? BIXBY BIXBY Meanwhile, back to the salami and food i n general. (points around) You, al l of you, always complaining you never eat regularly. (DURING F OLLOWING I NTERCUT B ETWEEN LIZZIE , IRISH & B ENNY) LIZZIE I'm not complaining. I 've got a side job -- I work in a ma ssage p arlor. (kneads with hands) I give massages and I make ho use c al ls. IRISH (mugs i t up) House c al ls! At y our age? LIZZIE Age has noth ing to do wi th i t. I work for the H - E - W. BENNY (reacts) H - E - W? Atsa gove rnment job. Health, Education and Welfare. LIZZIE I t's not a government job. H - E- W means Help E lderly Widowers. 35. CLOSE S HOT ~ IRISH IRISH You go tta be ki dding. Where d'ya get your customers to massage 'em? 36. CLOSE S HOT ? LIZZIE LIZZIE I advertise in an unde rground Jewish newspaper. 37. MEDIUM SHOT - - GROUP BIXBY You rub down o ld men? Don't they ever get fresh.? LIZZIE I should be so lucky. (pause, face brightens) Sometimes they try. I meet the finest old men, but with them i t's only in thei r minds. (CONTINUED) 20. 37. CONTINUED: BENNY Does i t pay wel 1 ? LIZZIE Only when they get thei r Social Security checks. IRISH Oh, i t 's only a p art time job, eh? And I 'm not asking wha t part. (breaks himself up laughing) LIZZIE Don't get fresh, Irish. I do wish some o f them would propose . Any kind of proposal. 38. MEDIUM C LOSE S HOT - - LIZZIE & C ONCUBINES 1ST C UDDLING CONCUBINE (moves alongside Lizzie, puts arm arou nd her) Al l you ne ed is a l i tt le lovin' . 2ND C UDDLING CONCUBINE (also putting arm aro und Li zzie) What you need, we a l l need. 3RD C UDDLING CONCUBINE (wraps arms around he rself, speaks p laintively) I t's been so long, I can't remember the last time. 39. TWO SHOT - - BENNY & IRI SH are mugging th is Lizzie & Cuddlin g Con cubine love scene up. Benny pa ntomimes l ips "I love you" to Irish and he does the same b iz back to Benny. They hug and a ssume na nce b it . BENNY We don 't need any body, do we ? IRISH no, as lo ng as w e ha ve eac h o ther. BENNY (slaps Irish away) Come on I rish -- get ouda here! I'm startin' to get worried about you. (CONTINUED) 21. 40. TWO SHOT - - BENNY & B IXBY BIXBY That's al l you go t on your minds, food and sex. Thank heavens , I don't worry about such things. BENNY (taking a d ig) That's right , Bixby, you got nothin' to worry about. BIXBY (up i n arms) Now, wait a minute , Benny! I 've always been a respectable woman an d I worked very hard for my l iving. BENNY Okay, Bi xby, so what are you l iving on? BIXBY (sorrowfully) I 'm l iving on a l l my dear, dear departed hus bands' l ife insurance policies. BENNY Al l four of 'em? BIXBY Yes, al l four. (dabs corner of eye with hankie) The l ast one's name w as Norton -- you remember him? He wa s the h oofer. Norton was always such a thoughtful man. He dropp ed dead w hen I needed the money. BENNY Norton's timing was always perfect -- (pause) even on st age. 41. CLOSE S HOT - - GAYE GAYE I'm doing a l l r ight in my ow n l it tle way teaching piano. I t isn' t much, but i t keeps the wolf from my doo r. 42. CLOSE S HOT ? LIZZIE LIZZIE (pointing to Gaye) She wan ts to keep the wolf from her door. Bring on t he wolves! (CONTINUED) 22. 43. MEDIUM SHOT - - GROUP al l react as there comes a loud knock on the door IRISH Here co me t he wolves. 4. MEDIUM SHOT - - ANOTHER A NGLE D OOR V IEW F RAMED B Y B ENNY & IRI SH as John Day enters followed by Joe y Day JOHN (with wave around) Happy day, people. BENNY (moves forward) Hello John. - Did you see th e show? JOHN Yea, sure. I saw the show. BENNY You l i ke i t? JOHN (with some re servations) Uh, yeah, I JOEY (tr ies to restrain laughter) That w as a sh ow? BENNY (defensively) Well, i t was a bad audience . JOEY Quit kidding. The audience wa s great. They we re funnier than you were. BENNY Hey John, who's y our cri tic? 44. MEDIUM C LOSE S HOT - - NEW VANTAGE P OINT O N G ROUP JOHN Oh, hav e you al l met m y son, Joey Day? JOEY (with boogaloo gesture) Joey Day, the Deejay. (CONTINUED) 23 45. CONTINUED: BENNY Joey Da y the Deejay? (the l ight dawns) Oh yeah, I heard about you. You're the guy p lays cockamamie rock music on K- O-O-K an d tries to make jokes. Who wri tes your material? JOEY Who wri tes yours? I 've seen funnier stuf f in the men's room. JOHN (laughs) Okay you guys, break i t up. Benny, don't l isten to Joey's digs at the show. Maybe a few ch anges here and there, i t ' l l be okay. IRISH Yeah, we sure do nee d a couple o f changes. And i f we co uld change th e audience, that 'd be the best thing could happen. GAYE Maybe i f we t r ied i t wi l l get better. I know i t wi l l get bet ter/ 46. TWO SHOT - - BENNY & J OHN BENNY How ca n we get better? Years ago we had the greatest show on th e entire ci rcui t . JOHN (puts arm aroun d Benny) And h ow they used t o f ight to get tickets for your show. 47. TWO SHOT ? JOHN & B IXBY JOHN (moves from Be nny to Bixby) And Bixb y, you were one of the great attractions on th e show. (gives her a wa rm look) BIXBY (perks up) Remember John, my photogr aph w as in every ba r across the country. I even m ade th e cover of the Police Gazette. (CONTINUED) 24. 48. FOLLOW BIXB Y a^. ^he walks over to dressing table, proudly picks up copy of Police Gazette and f lips the page with marker in i t . BIXBY See - - some costu mes. 49. CLOSE U P - - POLICE G AZETTE H ELD B Y B IXBY and focus on pag e with Bixby posing in a few boa s and feathers with back view and o ne fan placed over the strategic area 50. MEDIUM C LOSE S HOT O F G ROUP BENNY (to Joey) And look at her now, Joey. She wea rs custom-made clothes. Even he r panty hose are made by a blac ksmith. JOEY That's funny, funny! (to Benny) Dad t el ls me i n the old days you were a real dude and the main m an wi th al l the chicks. 51. CLOSE S HOT ~ BENNY BENNY I had re al style. I 'd approach the gi rl. . .. (grabs a Cuddling Conc ubine) take he r in my a rms.... (takes gi r l in arms) bend her over with passion... (bends her over with breathy passion) fondle her face... * (strops her face) run my ha nd up and d own her arm... (runs hand up an d do wn arm) gaze in to her eyes... (gazes into girl's eyes) and whi